Master key to have good relationships – Tap into the human desire of feeling important
John Dewey, one of America’s great philosophers, said that the deepest urge in human nature is the desire to feel important. The satisfaction of this human desire is instrumental to happy and healthy relationships. But these days we are too engrossed in our own selves that we often forget to pay attention to the feelings and emotions of others and give them the importance they deserve. This has become a major reason for us not having happy and healthy relationships in any sphere of life.
In the book, The Power of Self-Discipline, author Brian Tracy says “85% of your happiness and success is determined by the quality of relationships that you develop in your personal and professional life”. So, we really need to have a deeper look into this aspect of life and do sincere effort to improve our relationships so we can lead a peaceful life.
Books and blogs mention multiple methods and tips to improve relationships with friends, family, partner, children and colleagues. Interestingly, all the tools are based on one fundament – human need for importance.
Let’s talk about this fundament in detail to gain insight into its application in multiple relationship scenarios.
Practice patience
In today’s fast paced world, where nuclear families take all the responsibilities of professional and personal lives themselves, couples are left with less time for each other and their own selves leading to misunderstandings and stress. Sanjay and Alka are such a young couple in their mid-30s and have a 6-years old son. Life for both is very busy – office, school runs, activity classes, cooking, cleaning and so on. They both give their best to fulfil their responsibilities, but this schedule doesn’t allow them to spend quality time with each other. Slowly and steadily, they have started becoming irritated on petty issues and often argument starts between them. Both unfortunately think they are right. It brings a lot of negativity in the house. Kid is not happy with these daily arguments in the house either.
When Sanjay’s mother, a retired school Principal, stays with them for a month, she quickly notices all the disturbance in the family and decides to help. She asks Alka and Sanjay to sit with her. She says, “When two partners are in a situation of argument, they generally try to prove their point. None of them shows patience to understand other’s perspective. You try to win the argument to feed your ego, but in reality, you lose. Instead, if you practice patience and give importance to the other person, you would be able to understand his concern, eventually gaining more respect from them.”
In the end she emphasises, “My child, remember one thing, not every battle is won by fighting, rather some are won by surrendering.”
Make others recognise their strengths
When we help others to identify their strengths, we help them believe in themselves and build their self-esteem.
One day I was playing a bike video game with my son on my laptop. He was playing it for the first time, and he was falling off the bike again and again. He became frustrated and stopped playing. I gave him time to settle down a bit and then lovingly said to him, “Do you remember your last soccer session, what you learnt, that you will never give up, practice makes a man perfect and then you did better in the game. I believe in you, I know you can do it.” He kept sitting quietly for a while and then started playing again. Slowly and steadily, he started getting control and doing better in the game. As a result, I saw a lot of happiness on his face. All I gave him was encouragement and support and importance to his feelings.
This principle of giving importance is more crucial when you are dealing with kids. When you don’t make an adult feel important, he might ignore you. But when kids don’t feel important, specially because of their parents, they start losing faith in themselves and their self-image gets affected. So, love them, give them time and importance so you can help them recognise their strengths and raise their self-esteem and self-confidence. If you want to scold them on something wrong, make sure their emotional bank account is cash positive, means you love them more than you scold. Love them, make them feel important, they will shine bright.
Ask for favour
If you are not having a good relationship and you genuinely want to improve it, there is an important tool based on the same fundamental of letting the other person feel important. In his book Science of Likability, the author Patrick King says if you ask a person for help with whom you do not have a good relation, he will feel important and will start liking you or at least his anger for you will be reduced, and the relation will start improving from there.
You can ask a favour which is neither too big nor too small. It should not show that you are hopeless or helpless without that person’s help, it can be a middle kind of favour. This technique can even help you disarm the people you think are vicious.
Value others’ gestures and return on the right time.
Relationships are transactional, you do something, and you expect in return. One of the foundations of friendship is a feeling of equality in terms of helping each other when needed. If someone has given emotional support to you, he will expect you to pay the same attention when he needs it. If you will take care of these small things, pay him back and show an account of it in front of him, he will appreciate this and like you that at least you consider what he has done for you. So again, here we are making that person feel important by mentioning that you value the gesture of respect he did for you last time and are offering to return it when your chance comes.
Make time for relations
Make your loved ones feel important by spending time with them.
In 2019, among old age people living in the age care facilities in Australia, 87% were diagnosed with at least one mental health or behavioural condition and 49% had a diagnosis of depression. This is an alarming figure and surprisingly loneliness is a major factor contributing to depression. If children spend some time regularly with their old age parents and let them feel important, they can have a much better health in this last part of their life. Research says sending a gift to an old person is not as effective as spending time with him or her. Make them feel useful, this will improve their overall quality of life.
To be interesting, be interested
As famous American author – Dale Carnegie said, “The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. If we talk to people about what they are interested in, they will feel valued and value us in return.” These days people just want to talk about themselves and their achievements. Don’t be too self-obsessed, rather be interested in others and get fantastic relation in return. But keep in mind that attention and interest should not be fake and should not be a massage of ego only, as it will come up very soon. Instead, be genuinely interested in people and give value to their thoughts and feelings. It will help making better relationships and also you will get something new to learn from another person.
Hope these techniques will help you maintain better relations. Let’s all contribute our part by spreading love in this world, so it becomes a better place to live in.
References –
Become a More Interesting Person
The Power of Your Emotion – Sadhguru
